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Bubbies, Bubs and sometimes Mr. Bubs

5/29/2013

A few months ago I was driving and changing the radio stations and I didn't feel like listening to music so I put it on Keith's station, sports radio. I never listen to this station but I decided to this day for a few minutes. They were playing a trivia game and asked a question of which Baldwin brother did something. I knew the answer was going to be Alec and it was.
Later that day I told Keith I was listening to sports radio and before I could tell him about the Alec Baldwin question, he asked me if I heard the guy talk about "Bubbies". I said no. He said one of the guys talks all the time about his Mother-in-law and he call her "Bubbies" and sometimes "Bubs". Which is what I call Alec, "Bubs" and "Bubbies".
I guess I turned off the station before I heard it, but I felt Alec wanted me to know because when I told Keith, he was so happy to tell me that the guy always talks about "Bubbies".
Every so often he'll come home and tell me the radio guy was talking about "Bubbies" or "Bubs" agian today.

I checked out a book from the library last year, it ended up being an audio book. It was read by a father who lost his adult daughter and was now living with his son-in-law and his grandchildren. As I was listening to it, the grandfather tells the name of the kids and he said the youngest ones name and then he says but his Mom called him "Bubbies". And so for the rest of the book when he talks about this boy, he calls him "Bubbies" and "Bubs". I couldn't believe it when I heard it, I mean what are the chances that there is another Mom out there who called her son "Bubbies". And I never get audio books, so I felt Al wanted me to hear it and not just read it. I knew it was Alec letting me know my Bubbies was with me.
As I am typing this, I have Good Morning America on and I hear them say,"What's better than one baby Giraffe?......How about 2 baby Giraffes".They said twin baby Giraffes were born in Texas and they showed the pictures of the Giraffes!
Amazing!

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I'm Gonna Say A Bad Word

5/28/2013

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One day I had taken Cassidy and Alec to the store to get curtains for the kitchen. As I was looking at the curtains, Cassidy asked me what I was buying curtains for and I told her for the kitchen. So she started rhyming words with kitchen saying, "Kitchen--Witchin, Kitchen--Mitchin, Kitchen--Bitchin" that last one stuck and she kept repeating it,"Kitchen--Bitchin, Kitchen--Bitchen". I didn't want to tell her it was a bad word because then she would want to say it. But she would not stop saying it so I said Cassidy you can't say Bitchin because it is a bad word. I was right, Cassidy kept saying it now that she knew it was a bad word. Well Alec thought that was great, now that he knew this was a bad word he wanted to say it too. Alec laughed so hard and thought it was so funny and they both kept saying Bitchin and laughing. I finally got them to stop by telling them it wasn't ok to say bad words.

Another bad word that Alec loved to say was Damn-it. We are pretty sure he got that one from InNicole ! Well I like to blame her but it was probably really me since I say it Alot too.

And the other one was "Hell". I'm pretty sure Alec got that one from Vovo his Great Nana. She was always saying,"What the hell" . Which was so funny coming from her.

Now that Alec knew all these bad words, he would say,"I'm gonna say a bad word" and then he would say, "Damn-it Bitchin Hell". He said them all at once. It was pretty funny and hard to get mad because he was so cute saying it. Cassidy figured if Alec could say it then she could too, so she would follow and say,'Damn-it Bitchin Hell".

Cassidy loves to say "I'm gonna say a bad word" and she loves to say 'Damn-it Bitchin Hell". It will always be funny.

After Al went to heaven, me and Cass were watching the movie Ramona and Beezus and the little girl in the movie was upset and she said, "I'm gonna say a bad word".
We knew when we heard it that it was Alec letting us know he was with us.

This reminds me of a day I brought Alec to school and either his teacher or his Para (helper) told me that Alec said the "F" word to a parent. I said there is no way Alec said the "F" word because he doesn't know it, he's never heard it. I was baffled because I knew there was no way Alec would say that word but they were telling me he did. And why in the world we he say it to another parent?!
I had found out that the letter of the week was "F". So we figured that Alec probably said "The F word" those exact words not the actual bad word because Alec loved to use the first letter of a word as what he called things.
Like "N" was for needle and 'The H" was hospital, and "B work" was for blood work.
I felt so bad that Alec got in trouble for saying the "F" word knowing that he did not say it. Especially since his bad words were "Damn-it Bitchin Hell" !

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May 23 -- Brain Tumor Awareness Month

5/23/2013

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It is the 23rd of May, Brain Tumor awareness month. I happened to be in Stop & Shop the other day and realized it was that time when they have The triple Winner program, selling $1.00 scratch tickets with 100% of that dollar going directly to Pediatric Brain Tumor Research program at The Jimmy Fund. They hang up pictures of the selected kids from The Jimmy Fund in the store.
This picture is of Alec when he was one of the kids chosen. I had to pause and look at these kids pictures with a heavy heart for so many reasons, for missing Alec , for not knowing these kids future and for knowing what they are going through now.
While I would have liked to get my walk-a-thon idea to happen this May, it is just not going to happen. But we do plan on planning it so it happens next May which will give us time to do it right. I am getting ideas from others and offers for help and I am so grateful to you all for your willingness to help. It is hard to plan something while my heart is so broken yet it is in doing things for Alec that give us comfort and help us feel so close to him.
If anyone would like to make a donation to The Pediatric Brain Tumor Research fund the info is below and if you would like to make a donation to go toward a family with a child fighting a Brain Tumor you can let me know and I can help you with that.

Cassidy has a container that she decorated to collected donations and we put our change in it. I wanted to send in our donation for May and counted out our change and Keith brought in the change from his car and that is what we will send in.
(just a suggestion)

Pediatric Brain Tumor Clinical and Research Fund
c/o Dr. Mark Kieran
44 Binney Street
SW 331
Boston, MA
02115

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Sweet Doctor Mayer

5/21/2013

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Since I am 40 now, I went for an eye exam last month and I thought it would be just a quick exam and be done but it took a couple of hours and many many drops in my eyes, numbing drops, dilating drops repeated times.It was tough emotionally because all i could think of was Alec going through these tests every 3 months. I was always with Alec so I know it was hard for him and I wished he didn't have to do it but he did. But as much as I knew how difficult it must have been on him, until I experienced it myself and then imagined what is was like for Alec having to do these tests, and have these drops every 3 months is just amazing that he just did what he had to do as he always did.
Yesterday I had to go back for another test and I couldn't remember what it was until I got there and the woman said I was going to have a field test and asked if I ever did it before, I said no, then she said or do you know anyone who has, I said yes.
Alec knew this test all too well. When Alec was just a baby he saw Dr. Louisa Mayer at Children's Hospital Boston. She had to check his vision field and at that time it was to see where his eyes would follow using toys and trying as best she could with an infant to do what she needed to do. She remained Alec's Doctor all throughout and she left Children's and went to Perkins for the Blind and we followed her there.
She is just so sweet, just a tiny woman whom was probably in her 60's when Al first started seeing her. She had so much patience and gentleness with Alec, always taking the time to listen to Alec as he talked her ear off and when he told her, "Dr. Mayer,I Love You". She was so touched and just hugged him. Al would also always tell her, "Doctor Mayer, You are So Sweet". She just loved this.
She knew just what vision toys that she used were Al's favorites and rewarded him with those. And when she did this specific test that I had done yesterday, which is you put your chin and forehead up close against a bar and look into this big dish at a light in the center while little lights light up all around the bowl and you press a button every time you see a light. Alec didn't like it but he did it. He would ask Dr. Mayer to make the part he puts his chin on soft so she would get a stack of tissues and tape them to it for his comfort. She remembered every time and she never minded doing this extra thing for Alec. After doing this test myself which my eyes were filled with tears the whole time because all I could think of was being with Alec and how much more in awe I was of him for doing this test every 3 months (I figured I would fail because I couldn't see through my tears). But at the end when I saw the Doctor he showed me on the screen and said do you see all this green color and i said yup and he said green is good, I know green is good because it is Al's favorite color, just proof that Al was letting me know he was with me. I wasn't worried about my eyes, I was just worried about all the emotions I was feeling and trying not to cry too much.
I remember one appointment Alec had with Dr. Mayer, me and Al and Cassidy were going and we tried a new way to get there suggested by Miss Erlich (Al's vision teacher). Clearly she had no idea how easy I get lost which I did and I was getting so upset and mad that I was lost and that we would miss Al's appointment which was crucial as they all were because this was one of the ways the Dr.s determined Alec's care , if there were changes in his vision if it was good we rejoiced and if it was bad we were crushed because it could mean worse than vision loss. These visits were always an emotional roller coaster. Anyway Cass and Al were getting upset that we were lost especially Alec because he needed to see Dr. Mayer and Miss Erlich who was meeting us there. He was looking forward to seeing them and planning on it. And if Al was planning on something it needed to happen. We finally got there way past Al's appt. time, but it did not phase Dr. Mayer, she knew Al was upset and made sure she spent all the time he needed with her. And Miss Erlich felt so bad that I got lost which in turn assured Keith that I needed a navigation system which he got me right away.
That sweet Dr. Mayer even would take the time to check Cassidy's vision fields because it looked fun to her and she wanted to do what Alec did. It was a blessing to have this kind woman taking care of Alec and Cassidy.

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Giraffe Shoes

5/16/2013

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Cass is home today not feeling well and I remembered that I recorded the view for Cassidy because the actress Eden Sher from the Middle show was on there. We love the Middle and I knew Cass would want to see Eden out of her character. I never watch the view and never record it.
So we are watching it and Whoopie says," it's time to show you my shoe" and they zoom in on her shoes and she says, "they're called Giraffe", they were just a goldish /beigish color shoe not even a print on them. Me and Cass sat in shock and awe.
It amazes us every time we get a sign from Al and it makes us just sit in awe of how he does it.

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I got to see Alec's Girlfriend

5/15/2013

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A few weeks ago, Alec's girlfriend, Cori, or "Gearl friend" as he lovingly called her came over for a visit. She has offered all along to come sit with me, but I just could not do it. I finally felt ready to see her, I have wanted to see her all along but was too afraid of it being just too hard. So the day came and I was excited to see her and so so anxious. As I sat waiting for her, I said to Al, "Al, I am going to see your Gearlfriend". And it hit me and I a lmost wanted to call it off. Then I look out the window and I think I see her pulling up and can't believe it, I answer the door and there she is, one of the sweetest, kindest and gentlest person I know. We hug and all my fears and anxieties disappear. Then she says this is crazy, we have the same exact car! I thought when I looked out the window that I saw her in the same car as mine but thought no way. But there were our same cars and same exact color! I told her when we got my car I had wanted white but one of the color choices was called Cherry and Alec loved cherries so I had to get that one. Which just made this car thing with Cori so much more special. It was such a sweet sign from Al that he was so glad that me and his Gearlfriend were getting together.
It was such a nice visit and so comfortable, I have always felt such comfort and love with Cori, we all have. She is someone who you just want to be with and she has a great sense of humor which we love. She shared how much she and Christine and all at the clinic miss Alec and they think of him all the time.
She told Keith before that when she moved into a new home that there was a Cardinal that had been there and her son would point to it and she told Keith that she told her son it was Alec. She told me this day that the Cardinal is still always around and she know it's the same one because he is plump.
I was thankful that Cori came over and thankful that we still have a relationship with her. She is so special. She has a way, she just understands. I told her how I feel like I let Alec down because I cannot live life like him, how strong and brave he was, how he embraced life with all the pain and struggle he endured yet I am just surviving one day to the next. She reassured me that Alec knows how heart broken I am/ we are and he understands that this is so so hard for me/for us. He is sad too and he hurts too and understands.
She said one thing that helped me not feel so bad when she said " Laura, you are upright and that is huge". It is true, I said to God that I would not survive this, I would be in an institution or worse if I didn't have Alec here in my arms. Yet somehow I get up every day with a broken heart, but I get up.
I didn't want Cori to go, but I am so glad I got to see her, she knew it came with so many emotions to see her and was glad I did it anyway. There were other amazing signs that I believe was a reassurance from Alec that I needed that we shared that blew us away. It was crazy and amazing.

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23 page test for Cassidy

5/14/2013

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Cassidy had MCAS tests at school yesterday and she told me that the tests are 23 pages.
Then she said , they are always 23 pages.
I know these signs from Alec comfort her so much.

Cassidy made me a beautiful necklace for Mother's Day and then she gave me Alec's gift, it was a really bright sign that said "Faith" and there are 2 Giraffes on it. Cassidy said she picked it up and showed it to Keith and he said put that back, so she did, and then she saw the 2 Giraffes on it and showed Keith and they knew that it was from Alec. It was funny when they told me the story because I could see Alec laughing at Dada for telling Cass to put it back.
I know Alec was telling me to keep my faith, reminding me. We all agreed about that and we all agreed that it is so unusual to have Giraffes on a Faith sign.

I'm trying Bubs but it's so hard.

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Daddy is A Big Baby-A-Mulch

5/8/2013

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For some reason Alec started calling Keith, "A Big Baby-a-Mulch". We have no idea where it came from but it was pretty funny. The other day Keith referred to himself as A big baby a mulch and it came back to me. When we went to Hershey on vacation and we were in the pool, I held Alec and we bouced up and down in the water to a song we made up that Alec Loved, it was,
"Daddy, Daddy's A Big Baby-A-Mulch, A Big Baby-A-Mulch, A BIG BABY-A-MULCH!"
Al loved singing this song and splashing up and down over and over again.
He cracked up so much.

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May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month

5/2/2013

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I was walking the track the other day and I got to 10 laps and decided that I would walk 23 laps. As I was walking the idea came to me to do a walk-a-thon around the track of 23 laps to raise money to send to Doctor Kieran -Pediatric Neuro-Oncologist / Researcher in honor of Alec and May being Brain tumor month. The ideas were rolling and I thought of having people pay $10.23 or $23.00 to walk. When I ran this idea by Keith, he thought of having the people who are walking get pledges from others to sponsor their walk for $10.23 each.
I thought this was a great way to raise funds and it only took me about 1 1/2 - 2 hours to walk it and 23 laps = almost 6 miles.
I asked Papa (my father-in-law) to ask Shawsheen Tech if we could walk there, but being short notice, it didn't look doable for May. Plus we would have to hire a police officer and get gross outhouses or as Alec called them, "Outhouse Poop". So this seems to defeat the purpose of raising money only to spend it on other things.
I welcome ideas on making this happen or other ideas. And if others want to raise funds in Alec's honor we welcome that too.
It is last minute , but I will work on it and if we can't make it happen this May, we will plan it for next May.

I am including the info to donate to Doctor Kieran if anyone would like to make a donation in Alec's honor to give other children the hope for a cure.

Pediatric Brain Tumor Clinical and Research Fund
c/o Dr. Mark Kieran
44 Binney Street
SW 331
Boston, MA
02115

Thank You

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