We got this picture in our email the other day, it was about the Jimmy Fund walk. All I saw was the number on this girl 2310 . Another sign of Love from our Beautiful Boy.
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I just shared this story with my father-in-law, and it re amazed me and amazed him.
Last year or the year before, I had to get new license plates. Me and Cassidy went and while we were sitting there, we were saying how we knew there had to be a #23 on the new plates. When I got to the counter, the lady handed me my new plates and we were so bummed because there was no #23. Me and Cass just looked at each other so disappointed. I thought of asking the lady for a different plate but I figured she would say no because it was probably already in the system as that plate. So I took it with great disappointment. We couldn't believe there wasn't a 23 on it. Then many months later, Nicole was parked in my driveway waiting to pick up Kara and she called me from her car and told me to look out the window at my license plate. I did, but didn't know what she was seeing. Then she said add the numbers---- my license plate is 664 MH7 .....I add them up and I am so happy there it is the 23 . What made Nicole add those numbers....Alec. I can't believe none of us thought of it. But I'm so glad my best friend did. The past week, I have been able to see how Alec and God have placed specific people in my life to help me and to show me I am not alone.
The odd jobs that I have picked up, have all opened my eyes in new ways. I didn't think I could work, but I felt I needed to try and I got the job being a caregiver for the elderly which was ok when I had a sweet couple especially since the woman had a Giraffe sweater, but I had to quit when a different woman treated me like Cinderella. I felt so beaten down that day I quit, the agency was not nice at all, and just a few hours later, I got a call back from a woman who I applied to months before to be a private caregiver to help an elderly woman and her disabled daughter and she had decided this day to call me. I got the job and this woman is helping me because she has not had an easy life, her daughter was born with cerebral palsy and is severely handicapped and her husband died when he was 42. She is optimistic and cheers me up and always offers ME encouragement when I need I talk about Alec and start to cry or when I tell her how hard life is now. I feel she is helping me much more than I am helping her. Plus, she is so much l ike my Grandmother that I feel like I am with her, we play cards and she says things that Nana said, she's funny and silly. Then at my two other jobs, recently the people have opened up to me to let me know that they lost a sibling when they were young, and have given me their story in a way that I am able to see what Cassidy is feeling. And they have both told me that their parents did not handle it well (there is no way to handle it well, but their stories one in particular, was horiffic) and they suffered because of it. They have helped me understand what I can do to help Cassidy feel loved and cherished and definately what NOT to do. I have beaten myself up thinking that I am not being the Mother I want to be for Cassidy, but after hearing their stories, I am able to feel much better. I am doing the best I can, (better than their Mom's did), but by hearing their stories, it makes me want to try harder for Cassidy and be better. I know this is no coincindence that these people were placed in my path, especially when I was and am so unsure about working and being a part of life and society again. One of the hardest things for me has been thinking that everyone else is living a perfect life with a happy ever after (which I thought we would have). And all these people including the Mom on Cassidy's field trip have shown me that unfortunately, there are many more stories that are not the happy ever after. I have felt less alone. I feel Alec is showing me that I am being a good Mom, and he's showing me the proof of what I could be like and how awful that would be for Cassidy. thanks Al, Mama loves you soooo much Alec is continually giving us the sign of 4 23. And this morning he gives it again in my email from Pastor Charles Stanley:
Today he says: In verse 4 of psalm 23, notice what comforts; The Lord's rod and staff. Then he writes; "It is important to note though, what Psalm 23 does not say. As much as we might want to avoid hard times, this passage doesn't tell us that God will lead us around the "valley of the shadow of death". Rather, he leads us through it. This means that God's plan often requires us to walk through painful circumstances, facing those shadows and dark places in our lives. However, in the midst of the rough journey, we can remain confident by keeping our eyes on the shephard who leads us safely home." He ends with; "Have you experienced the Lord's provision, only to fall into subsequent doubt and fear because of loss or hardship? He has not left you, God remains your Good Shephard, leading you through the darkness and into the light, where he is." I know Alec sends these messages to give us faith and encouragement. And he is trying to show us that God is still a good and loving God. I opened my daily email from Pastor Charles Stanley and it said:
Read Psalm 23 "He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul" He says, you've probably read this psalm countless times. But no matter how many times it is recited, we still miss the full impact of it's important message: God restores our soul. Here's another sign from Al: This morning, there was a small bag of Doritos on the counter, I said where did these come from and Keith said the guy he works with, Al, bought them for lunch but sent them home for Cassidy to have. We all knew this was a sign from Alec because he Loved his little bag of Doritos. When we would take Alec to "Guineau Pig class" which was a Healing group called Tong Ren , Alec had to have his little bag of Doritos, his drink cup filled and wipes to wipe the orange cheese off his fingers when he was done eating. He hated sticky fingers which he called,"Nicky Nands". And he needed lots and lots of books. And another sign: Cassidy and Lydia had their dance recital on Saturday and it was at a High School. The dance studio numbered the rooms and they were in room 5, but Lydia pointed out to Cassidy that the actual class room # they were in was room # 123 Today I was a chaperone for Cassidy's field trip. When she told me that she was going on a field trip, my first question to her was can I chaperone, followed by dread. I have always loved being a part of Cassidy and Alec's school day and jumped at the chance to be a volunteer. But now, I still want to be part of Cassidy's school day, but it comes with the anxious uneasy feelings of being exposed and having to talk.
Cassidy preferred for Keith to go, but he didn't have a Cori form on file so he couldn't. Then she really wanted me to go, I told her only if she would sit with me on the bus so I wouldn't have to talk to a Mom I didn't know. She said no, but since I really did want to go and she actually wanted me to go I decided to. Before we leave the school I meet a Mom who will be on the same bus, we chat, I tell her how last time we went to the Franklin Park Zoo I was scared because we had to go through Roxbury, she says that doesn't bother her because she lived in Dorchester. I told her My Mom lived there too for a bit but it was just off the highway so it wasn't too scary. She said she lived right off the highway too and says the name of the street and it's the same street...crazy I think....what are the chances of that. We get on the bus and I liked her so I said want to sit together--- she seems safe enough, she says sure. Once everyone was on the bus, the seat behind us was empty and I started to feel anxious that she was going to ask the dreaded questions so I hopped in the empty seat behind her. After 45 min. I'm bored and getting sad thinking about Alec wondering if he was with me on this field trip, when the Mom in front of me asks me a question and explains why and tells me that her son passed away, I could not believe what I heard and I just said me too. She said she was so sorry and I told her I was so sorry too. We could not believe that here we were in this parent's worst nightmare together. I jumped back into her seat with her and I told her that I was sorry that I moved seats but I was afraid she would ask about my kids. Of course she understood. There is usually a bond that is instant for us Mom's because we are the only ones who truly understand a broken heart like this. We both felt that this was no coincidence that we met and were sitting here together. As we talked about our Boys, we discovered that they both had Carol as their special needs pre-school teacher. I knew and I told her that our Boys made this happen, they put us together. I can't even put it in words. At the zoo we went separate ways and when I got back on the bus I plopped in the seat with her and sticking out of her pocket book is a Giraffe that she bought at the zoo. If I wasn't sure before which I was, I was sure now that Alec without a doubt was letting me know that he was with us on this field trip. I was really glad I went and got to do this with Cassidy, I miss being able to be there for her like this and really being present with her. I just read a book, "Heaven is Real", it's written by a man who is a pastor and he got in a car wreck when he was 38 and died for 90 minutes and went to Heaven.
There was one particular part that really hit me and made me realize something. He tells of how he was in the hospital, (he was in real bad shape physically and in so much pain plus he was bitter and angry that this was his life), and lots of people were coming in wanting to help him in some way, but he always told them he didn't need anything. One of his retired Pastor friends was there when he once again said no to help from visitors and his pastor friend said to him,"These people care about you.You can't imagine how deeply they love you." The man said he knew that. And the friend said,"Well you're not doing a good job of letting them know you are aware, they want to just do something for you..anything." The man said that he didn't want them to do anything. Then his friend said, "It's the only thing they have to offer you, and you're taking that gift away from them." (Love, that is) It hit me because I had done this same thing. I refused help because all I needed was Alec and if someone asked if there was anything I needed or if they could do anything, my heart and head screamed "Yes, I need Alec", but I just shook my head no, because I knew no one could give me Alec. And because I knew this, I figured no one could do anything to help me. So I shut everyone out . After reading this, I realized that I took away that gift that others were trying to give, the gift of their Love because it was all they could give. I wasn't able to fully appreciate all the Love that was and still is sent our way. I just want to say thank you to every one whom loved us and loves us and Alec, I know your love and prayers lifted us when we needed them most and still do. It is so heart warming to see people wearing Alec wristbands. It means so much to us. Thank you again so much Andrea and Jay and thank you so much to everyone who bought one. Alec is letting us know that he loves his Alec wristbands, he has given lots of his "23"'s and Giraffe's to many loved ones. One of them is when Holly went to Andrea's to pick up wristbands, she had a few orders but didn't know how many wristbands she needed and when her and Andrea counted it was "23"...of course! The other day I was watching Good Morning America and they had freebies for custom made cards. I checked out the site and it was for free custom business size cards, so I decided to make cards to give out with a picture of Alec and the words" Share Alec's Love" and with a bit about Alec. I figured we could give them with gifts that we offer to families etc. I had to leave before I completed my order and I left it up on my computer. When I got back and turned on my computer, it was still up and it said it was last saved at : 4 hr and 23 min. It was Amazing, I got my camera to take a picture and just as I snapped the picture it changed to 5 hr and 23 min. I knew it was Al's way of letting me know that he loved these cards I made. the time is next to last saved: on the bottom right: 
And we were watching Jeopardy and this question popped up 
Our sweet and very dear friend Andrea and her husband Jay have ordered Alec wristbands to sell to raise money to help cover costs if we have any for the walk-a-thon we plan to have next year and for the rest to go into an Alec Bulmer Foundation which we will be starting in a few months. Andrea had come over a week or so ago, she has kept in touch with me via e-mail, checking on us and sending us her love and prayers and words to encourage and comfort us. I was finally ready to see her and I'm so glad I did. Lots of tears were shed by both of us, I felt such comfort with her. When I told Keith that Andrea was coming over he asked me what her daughter's name is, I said Giovanna and I knew he was remembering "The Fishies". When we were at church at St Theresa's and Andrea and Giovanna would be near us and she was eating Fishies and Alec noticed and asked for some and then some more and so Alec associated Giovanna with Fishies and every time he'd see her he'd asked for fishies, he LOVED his snacks. So after our very special time together, Andrea sent me an email a few days later letting me know she had ordered Alec wristbands to sell. She was worried we'd be upset that she did it without checking with us, but I felt the Love that came from her doing this and it just meant so much. Keith and I had talked about doing wristbands and I had designed lots of them online but just have not had the motivation to order them. So this was a welcome beautiful gift because I know Andrea did it out of Love and she really wanted to help make my walk -a -thon idea a reality and knew by selling these it was a start. I believe Alec encouraged her and helped her make them because she put a Cross on them. I could not put a cross on the ones I was designing because my faith is still so shattered though I do feel it coming back a bit. But I know Alec would want a cross on there because when we designed his souvenier ring at Hershey Park, he wanted it to say "Jesus Loves Me" with a Cross. His message came through loud and clear to keep our faith with these wristbands. You can contact Andrea if you would like a wristband, they are $5- each. She has reg. size and youth size. And although I argued with Andrea about letting us buy them or her taking the money back that she spent for them and putting the profits into the foundation, she refused and told me that this was a gift from her and Jay to us. Which means that 100% of the $5- will go into Alec's Foundation. Thank you so much Andrea and Jay, we are so grateful for this beautiful gift and for your Love and generosity. Her email address is: amag28@comcast.net here are pictures of the wristbands 
Yesterday I had an appointment for a check up with my ob-gyn. It had been 3 years since I last went. I told Keith I was going and told him that I didn't know if my Doctor knew about Alec which made me so anxious feeling. I felt unusually calm right before going which I didn't like this feeling, how could I feel calm. But I did put on my special bracelet that Alec had made for me which I always wear when I need Alec's strength. Alec made me this bracelet on one of his days at the Jimmy Fund with Keith. It was just Al and Dada---Boy's Day! when they came home Alec gave me this beautiful bracelet for me. While they were there, Alec of course had to see his favorite people and of one of them, the Mom asked Alec if he wanted to make a bracelet for Mom, and he said YES! Alec picked out all of the beads to put on it and of course he picked a Giraffe to go on it and she put them on the wire.
I need Alec's strength everyday but I'm afraid if I wear it everyday that it will break so I wear it at times that I know I can't get through without him. So I know this is why I felt calm. And I thanked Alec for helping his Mama I get there and look around hoping not to see familiar faces because I know they will ask about the kids. But I see the assistant that I always have and she is so sweet and has always asked about Cassidy and Alec. The calm feeling is gone. She calls me in and so far so good, then she asks,"You have 2 kids right?" and I say yes, then "How old are they". I say Cassidy is 12 and then the tears come and I have to tell her that Alec went to heaven. She feels so bad and says I am so sorry and hugs me. I told her that I didn't know if they knew. She feels so sad and awful. She asked if my Dr. knows and I tell her I don't know. She brings me in a room and just has me sit and says the Dr. will want to talk to you first, he comes in and he can barely get the words out that he is so so sorry and he breaks down and hugs me and holds me for a long time crying and crying. He tells me that he didn't know and he would've called us, he is heartbroken. He brings me in his office and asks about Keith and Cassidy. I am so comforted by his love and compassion. He has always been my favorite Doctor for me. He is just so caring and so easy going and I have always loved getting to see him. Keith loves him too. He was just in shock because he says the last time I saw him Alec was doing so good. I tell him he was, it was spring of 2010 that I saw him last. Alec was off chemo and was doing great, we thought Alec was off chemo for good and life was perfect. It was the most carefree and joyful we all felt. We NEVER thought otherwise EVER. Alec would always be here with us. I tell my Dr. all off this and he listens with tears . He really is an amazing Doctor and person. He repeatedly asks about Keith and tells me to tell Keith that he can call him anytime to talk, that he is here for him. While it was emotionally exhausting, I felt so much love and comfort being there with him. On a funny note, after I left I went to Nicole's for coffee and I told her that keith had gone for a physical with a new Doctor because we have not had much luck with our primary Doctor's. There was no way he was going to the primary I went to after he showed no compassion what so ever when he told me 2 years was along time to be grieving. Anyway, he said this new doctor was nice and understanding and compassionate. Then he said she asked him if he felt safe at home. That's funny , but she said she has to ask everyone this. So I was telling Nicole that she asked Keith if he felt safe at home and she said Keith should have said, "Well I don't feel so safe when my wife is cooking" |
Use igive.com for online shopping and select the Alec Bulmer Benefit Fund as your cause
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