Yesterday I had an appointment for a check up with my ob-gyn. It had been 3 years since I last went. I told Keith I was going and told him that I didn't know if my Doctor knew about Alec which made me so anxious feeling. I felt unusually calm right before going which I didn't like this feeling, how could I feel calm. But I did put on my special bracelet that Alec had made for me which I always wear when I need Alec's strength. Alec made me this bracelet on one of his days at the Jimmy Fund with Keith. It was just Al and Dada---Boy's Day! when they came home Alec gave me this beautiful bracelet for me. While they were there, Alec of course had to see his favorite people and of one of them, the Mom asked Alec if he wanted to make a bracelet for Mom, and he said YES! Alec picked out all of the beads to put on it and of course he picked a Giraffe to go on it and she put them on the wire.
I need Alec's strength everyday but I'm afraid if I wear it everyday that it will break so I wear it at times that I know I can't get through without him. So I know this is why I felt calm. And I thanked Alec for helping his Mama
I get there and look around hoping not to see familiar faces because I know they will ask about the kids. But I see the assistant that I always have and she is so sweet and has always asked about Cassidy and Alec. The calm feeling is gone. She calls me in and so far so good, then she asks,"You have 2 kids right?" and I say yes, then "How old are they". I say Cassidy is 12 and then the tears come and I have to tell her that Alec went to heaven. She feels so bad and says I am so sorry and hugs me. I told her that I didn't know if they knew. She feels so sad and awful. She asked if my Dr. knows and I tell her I don't know.
She brings me in a room and just has me sit and says the Dr. will want to talk to you first, he comes in and he can barely get the words out that he is so so sorry and he breaks down and hugs me and holds me for a long time crying and crying. He tells me that he didn't know and he would've called us, he is heartbroken. He brings me in his office and asks about Keith and Cassidy. I am so comforted by his love and compassion. He has always been my favorite Doctor for me. He is just so caring and so easy going and I have always loved getting to see him. Keith loves him too.
He was just in shock because he says the last time I saw him Alec was doing so good. I tell him he was, it was spring of 2010 that I saw him last. Alec was off chemo and was doing great, we thought Alec was off chemo for good and life was perfect. It was the most carefree and joyful we all felt. We NEVER thought otherwise EVER. Alec would always be here with us. I tell my Dr. all off this and he listens with tears . He really is an amazing Doctor and person. He repeatedly asks about Keith and tells me to tell Keith that he can call him anytime to talk, that he is here for him.
While it was emotionally exhausting, I felt so much love and comfort being there with him.
On a funny note, after I left I went to Nicole's for coffee and I told her that keith had gone for a physical with a new Doctor because we have not had much luck with our primary Doctor's. There was no way he was going to the primary I went to after he showed no compassion what so ever when he told me 2 years was along time to be grieving.
Anyway, he said this new doctor was nice and understanding and compassionate. Then he said she asked him if he felt safe at home. That's funny , but she said she has to ask everyone this. So I was telling Nicole that she asked Keith if he felt safe at home and she said Keith should have said, "Well I don't feel so safe when my wife is cooking"
I need Alec's strength everyday but I'm afraid if I wear it everyday that it will break so I wear it at times that I know I can't get through without him. So I know this is why I felt calm. And I thanked Alec for helping his Mama
I get there and look around hoping not to see familiar faces because I know they will ask about the kids. But I see the assistant that I always have and she is so sweet and has always asked about Cassidy and Alec. The calm feeling is gone. She calls me in and so far so good, then she asks,"You have 2 kids right?" and I say yes, then "How old are they". I say Cassidy is 12 and then the tears come and I have to tell her that Alec went to heaven. She feels so bad and says I am so sorry and hugs me. I told her that I didn't know if they knew. She feels so sad and awful. She asked if my Dr. knows and I tell her I don't know.
She brings me in a room and just has me sit and says the Dr. will want to talk to you first, he comes in and he can barely get the words out that he is so so sorry and he breaks down and hugs me and holds me for a long time crying and crying. He tells me that he didn't know and he would've called us, he is heartbroken. He brings me in his office and asks about Keith and Cassidy. I am so comforted by his love and compassion. He has always been my favorite Doctor for me. He is just so caring and so easy going and I have always loved getting to see him. Keith loves him too.
He was just in shock because he says the last time I saw him Alec was doing so good. I tell him he was, it was spring of 2010 that I saw him last. Alec was off chemo and was doing great, we thought Alec was off chemo for good and life was perfect. It was the most carefree and joyful we all felt. We NEVER thought otherwise EVER. Alec would always be here with us. I tell my Dr. all off this and he listens with tears . He really is an amazing Doctor and person. He repeatedly asks about Keith and tells me to tell Keith that he can call him anytime to talk, that he is here for him.
While it was emotionally exhausting, I felt so much love and comfort being there with him.
On a funny note, after I left I went to Nicole's for coffee and I told her that keith had gone for a physical with a new Doctor because we have not had much luck with our primary Doctor's. There was no way he was going to the primary I went to after he showed no compassion what so ever when he told me 2 years was along time to be grieving.
Anyway, he said this new doctor was nice and understanding and compassionate. Then he said she asked him if he felt safe at home. That's funny , but she said she has to ask everyone this. So I was telling Nicole that she asked Keith if he felt safe at home and she said Keith should have said, "Well I don't feel so safe when my wife is cooking"
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